A place only we know

I've come to realize that some of the most enthralling parts of being in a relationship, involved with, or whatever you want to call it, with another person go well beyond the physical realm. Don't get me wrong. I love sex. I happen to like women and spending a lazy afternoon undressing a captivating feminine being is a great use of time. That however is only a single dimension of the relationship and also a subject for another time. Tonight I want to talk about the psychic place that is developed when two minds become intimate, the metaphysical state of reality that only you know through and with each other.

Becoming intimate with a person fundamentally alters your understanding of reality. The center of your university moves ever so slightly away from your own being towards another. Your perceptions are forced to accommodate the perceptions of another. The intersection of these realities becomes the defining space of your relationship. It is a way of viewing the world that you couldn't have discovered except through one another. The particularly difficult part is that from your respective poles in this shared space you cannot see the view shared by your partner. So while the space is shared you cannot know what it appears like to your lover. The crags and crevasses of your shared physic landscape that may be so endearing to you can be scars on the land to them.

This landscape is as scared as it is fragile. A misspoken word or forgotten date can send the whole scene into a torrent of uncertainty and desecration. A dangerous place it is to exist no doubt. But for its fragility and risk it is all the more beautiful.

Impermanence

The impermanence of everything has been coming through pretty clearly lately. The summation of all your efforts can vanish in the blink an eye. Does that devalue what you had done? Not if you have grown through doing those things. The impact the experience has had on you cannot be taken away.

My car was totaled last week. Some maniac was driving so fast on my street (which is basically an alley that has a school crossing zone on it) that he hit my car and pushed it through a snow bank and into a tree completely crippling the frame. Consequently I have started using the bus.

Now I love watching people, so the bus has provided a perfect venue for some good ole observing. The other day I accidentally sat directly across from a homeless man that was very angrily mumbling to himself, had an incredibly swollen prostate, was wearing unidentifiable stained clothes, and smelled to high heaven. I was presented with a choice I could move but there was no way that it could be seen for any reason than avoiding him or I could run the gambit of staying there under his watch. Partly cause I didn't give a fuck and partly cause I was so tired I chose to stay.

For the next 20 mins he stared at me and mumbled threatening things. I figured that if he made a move for me I could drop him with my metal water bottle, which when full is pretty substantial. Everyone else on the bus was staring at me. I could feel their eyes urging me to relocate.

At one point another woman got on the bus and sat down next to me, thinking I offered a zone of safety. She quickly reconsidered a moved to the back.

The bus reached my stop and I got up and left. The homeless guy never moved an inch, he just keep staring at the spot I had occupied, still mumbling. I guess I just made up my mind that being attacked by a crazy homeless guy didn't really bother me. This is as much a part of life as a nice meal or a massage. Once you've stopped caring so much about your own safety you find that the world is a much safer place.

I am alone in a patronage. I am not a pastor. There are 2 cats here that are destroying everything but I find it futile to try and clean up after them. The cats live with me and share my company. There is a gigantic french window to which there are no blinds or shades and is impossible to cover. This window looks directly out on the church. All day long I see the practitioners filling in and out of the church. They all peer at me through the window, while I am eating my breakfast, reading my books, and even as I prepare to sleep.

This window to the church quite concerns me. It is as if God him/herself were watching me through it in some kind of demented aquarium exhibit.

There is a street lamp that torments me. It sits just off to the right off the church in full view of the window. It never turns off. It shins directly onto the pillow of my bed. I sometimes think of destroying the light, but I don't think that god would allow for that.

Then there is the tree. There is a Christmas tree here that has been the target of several cat assaults and is now very deformed in appearance. The tree regularly releases spores at purposefully random intervals to cause my airways to contract and to make me cease breathing. The tree has attempted to accomplish my end several times by doing this while I am asleep.

I would take the tree down and throw it outside but the a Christmas tree is a very personal thing so I am fearful of moving it. Moving someone's Christmas tree is like wearing their clothes or taking a bath in their bath. Bathing you see is entirely different than showering. There is an intimacy in both the tree and the bath.

The Renter

Now I think literature is rich with weird, secretive, and otherwise strange characters that occupy the attics of the normal main characters of stories. I believe Mrs. Rochester is probably the most notable. Totally unintentionally I have become such an attic dweller. However, having realized this, I intend on making the most of it and totally fulfilling the expectations of this literary tradition.

photo credit: wordpress.com

About 3 months ago I entered into a rental contract with a very nice old woman. I would rent a room in her attic that was very much to my liking and she would live on the main floor. This was very good. However after about a month the old woman left to take care of a relative and a family replaced her. A family complete with 2 young girls. Now the shift was rather odd but I acquainted myself with the parents and things looked to be on the verge of continuing on quite normally. That is until I noticed that a pair of small eyes were seemingly following me about my day.

I first noticed my wide eyed followers peering out the window at me as I was headed to work. I quickly turned around in a fury but just like that they were gone. Obviously these children meant business. Next I noticed little sounds coming from the bottom of the steps. Like large rodents creeping about trying to eat my shoes that were kept there, but when I opened the door to confront the rodents all that remained were giggles. Giggling rodents? Not likely, they don't much like eating shoes.

It was clear I was being watched so I have taken up a new personality to increase the intrigue. Whenever I leave I do so with the collar of my coat thrown up as high on my face as possible and with a hat scarf or newspaper covering the rest of my face. So dressed I come storming down the stairs stopping only briefly to look over my shoulder before running out the door to my car. I have also started taking my trash out just at the onset of dusk, dragging the bag along the ground and being sure to check for any observers before stuffing it in the can and then again dashing inside.

The next steps to completing my persona include dropping pieces of papers with magazine letter cut out messages and stashing things in a hole in a tree across the street Boo Radley style.

photo credit: thedeathwriter.blogspot.com 

This should keep me entertained for some time and the children seem to be quite enjoying it. Even the parents seem to be getting in on the game.

AJM

Still Waiting on an Education

Just finishing up the first month of business school and planning to go on to medical school I am at an interesting intersection of education. As exciting as it all is I can't help but feel that in my 17 years of schooling that there have been some things that have just never been delivered. Perhaps working in higher ed has heightened my focus and perception of these things, but lately I can't stop thinking about them.

photo credit: http://technicalwritiertalks2.wordpress.com/

Probably the theme that has been irritating me most lately is the persistence of by-the-book teaching even in post high school, post graduate education. How far can being able to follow instructions and directions really take me and in what sense can that really be called an education? It seems that every time I try to do something out of the ordinary or not according to script my professors just insist that if I wish to do well in the class I ought to just follow the syllabus. It seems to make more sense to me that courses at this level ought to follow around the theme of "Here is how we do it now, imagine a better way". Is that not the kind of thinking that of the most social value in reality?

In the same line of thinking as my previous complaint, because let's be real for a second, this is just a rant, is the idea that failure is to be avoided at all costs. Taking a risk on a project that could result in getting a lower grade is universally advised against. Furthermore the immense amount of shame attached to failing or not achieving the expected grade or outcome is so enormous that it imprisons any student into walking the narrowest line possible. This paranoia acts as blinders, shutting out all the other wonderful and possible ways of getting from point A to point B and only showing the ones that have already been laid out. When in reality it is precisely the supposed mission of formal education to prepare students for the future, for discovering these new paths.

photo credit: www.sottt.net

An education should not amount to two decades worth of reading instruction manuals. There is nothing in a book that can equip a student to deal with the challenges of the future; the only thing that can do that is the student's own mind. Education has long been seen as the equalizer between social classes but how can it continue to hold this title when it seems perfectly designed to produce graduates whose primary skill is following the direction of others?

End rant. Comments welcome.

Fetching a Dog Toy

My loyal followers, do I have loyal followers yet? Probably not or ever. Anyway, my loyal followers tonight I did something that I suspect might qualify me for institutionalization. So if there are any pathologists, psychologists, psychiatrists, fortune tellers or other interesting viewers among you all feel free to comment.

So it being Sunday, today I had to go to the local laundromat and engage my time in the washing and drying of my garments. Usually this process continues pretty unremarkably. I put my laundry in the washer go to CVS and grab some Arizona green tea and then read my economics text book for the remaining 27 minutes of wash time before transferring everything into the dryer and resuming my reading. Today, however, as I was transferring everything from washer to dryer I discovered something that was decidedly not mine in with my clothes. Quite beside myself at having discovered such a strange thing I thought to take a photo.

Now it was not only the missing eye and general demonic presence of the thing that alerted me but the fact that it was apparently a dog toy. A dog toy on which a dog had presumably been chewing and slobbering. A dog toy which I had just washed with my clothes. So I immediately rewashed all my clothes double checking to make sure there were no other treasures to be found. An hour and eight minutes later I packed up my laundry and returned home leaving the little bugger on top of the washer in which I found him. 

Some hours later I decided to upload the photo to instagram and to document my experience with some catchy caption. After some time a girl with whom I retain some feelings that are romantically inclined commented on the photo describing that it was her dog's toy and asking if I took it. Now naturally this caused an irreversible cascade of ideas, thoughts, beliefs, and then actions that ultimately ended in me immediately driving back to the aforementioned laundromat and retrieving the little bugger before it closed for the night.

Fetching the toy became absolutely compulsory. I left my dinner on the table and charged out the house with out a jacket. Now as I was driving back from the laundromat with the damned thing stuffed snugly in my breast pocket I realized that it was very possible that the above mentioned girls comments were in fact a joke. As I walked back to my room passing under street lights the whole began to seem quite foolish. I had gone 20 minutes out of my way to retrieve an old nasty dog toy that may or may not belong to a girl that may or may not like me. 

So now here I sit. the damned bugger mocking me. For I cannot sum up the courage to ask if the girl if she would like it returned for fear of it having been a joke yet I cannot dispose of the cursed thing for fear of her asking for it some day. So here I sit. Writing as a man that is wholly imprisoned, thought and deeds, by a dirty, old, pink, one-eyed dog toy. It's like some stupid child's re-writing of the raven. Only instead of saying nevermore it says "fetch boy."

A Brief Figure on Barton Fink

I'm tired, so let's keep it short tonight. 

Photo Credit: tvtropes.org

Today a rewatched part of Barton Fink. It is a cult classic that everyone out to make time to see (See the trailer here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WK0WjWlVO9w). In the very opening of the movie Barton is asked "What do you do for a living?" to which he responds "I'm not sure anymore. I guess I try and make a difference."

This admission of confusion and helplessness beautifully captures the ever denied simple purpose of life. The desire that my existence has made the world some how different than it would be due to my absence. That through my being I have pushed the stream of time ever so slightly in a direction according to my will.

AJM